Saturday, December 25, 2010

You said you'd help me disappear, but that could take forever.

Dear Reader:

I am floundering.

It's sad. It's true.  It's what it is.  2010 is coming to a close; what do I have to show for it? I don't know.

I guess this is the hard part of being, for reals, a grown up.  I've always been going, going, doing, doing.  Cross some item off a cosmic list.  Making some haunting spectre's dream for me come true.  I turned to David about six weeks ago and said, "I think I've finally accomplished everything every dead person I ever loved really wanted for me.  Now I have to figure out, what the hell do I actually want for myself?"

And that's what I'm trying to do.  

I'm in the middle of a project I really want to finish, to the point that I sometimes feel irritated at the rest of my life for getting in the way of it.  I haven't really made any progress on a project I'm committed to.  My perfume storage is too small and cramped to be really effective, I've been sniffing but not really loving anything new, and thus returning over and over to the things I already have.  I've been neglecting this blog because I'm not sure what to say.  Any review I would have written in the last two months would have come out "meh."  I just haven't loved anything seriously, though I do want a bottle of Jo Malone Red Roses to layer with my CB I Hate Black March so bad my teeth ache.

I put off taking the bar until July 2011, though at this point I'm resigned to doing it so I can practice, even though at this point I'm pretty sure being a lawyer is just another thing I'm going to pass through rather than be.  I wish I could find a way to make the things I love -- perfume, and writing, and music, and story telling, and fighting for women and my own voice -- be what I do every day.  I like to think I'm working toward it in a lot of little ways, but I emphatically do not want to wake up an other five or ten years and still be trying to make other people happy.  I'm lucky in that David seems pretty cool with me never really knowing, to be supportive as I try and toss away various hats.  And my friends love me for who I am, whoever that is today, and that's lucky.  And I have John, who knows me, really only he does, and I will always have him, though his being in Iraq has been really hard this holiday season.  But I don't know who I am yet;  not really.  I have axioms.  I have codes.  I have rules and  theories, faiths and scars, expressions and philosophies, hand gestures and nervous tics, but I feel like a work in progress, all the time.

I just want to be me.  And for that to be happy.

I'm going to give myself the week of between now and 01/01/11 to sniff around and think and maybe listen to some music and make some notes and be inspired before I come back to you.  Until then, I love you.  I really do.

Thanks for listening.

~ Diana

"I want my chest pressed to your chest
My nervous systems interfere
Ten or eleven months at best
I think I'll wait another year

This weather turns my tricks to rust
I am a lousy engineer
The winter makes things hard enough
I think I'll wait another year."

~ "Another Year," Amanda Palmer


Ines said...

We love you too. And I do hope you return to your blog, no need to feel your reviews would be meh when it's your opinion that counts. If it's meh, then there's no help for that scent. :)
Anyway, what I wanted to say is that this year has been very emotionally difficult for me but it's ending with me being happy. I am sincerely grateful and happy for everybody and everything I have in my life, even though I'm not leading the life I want (or doing work that fulfills me). But this year has in one waay been blessed for me and that is in showing me how wonderful friends I have both virtual and real.

I hope you find the life that makes you happy. In the meantime, merry Christmas and lots of snowy hugs from Zagreb!

JoanElaine said...

I was wondering what you have been up to! Glad to hear your absence was the result of being busy and not bad news.

Josephine said...

I love this post - it's realness and honesty. God knows, I have asked myself the same questions at different points in my life. And you're right - at some time, one must say 'this is who I am and any dreams I fulfill from here on out will be my own, thank you.'

The point of being lost, of letting yourself be lost, is part of moving forward. Even though I know this intellectually, it's also a part of life I resist the most. I simply want to know - at all times - who I am, what will make me happy, and the best direction to take next.

Good luck in your journey. Perhaps writing more about your process is the way you fight for other women and your own voice, right here, right now.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

The Left Coast Nose said...

Ach. The "what do I want to do with my life" blues...

I've been there, many times. And I don't know if it'll make you feel better or worse, D-- I've never fully figured out what the true answer is.

What I can say is that rather than ever having that true "aha" moment, where I was stuck on the head and suddenly knew what my calling in life was to be, I have over the years crafted a bunch of passions, not so unlike the list that you articulated: perfume, writing, friends, political causes. (For me, throw in cooking, rescuing senior dogs, and baseball...) No one thing dominates, and heck yeah, it bothers me sometimes that I'm not world-famous for any of these things. But I've built a life, a good one, one I really like, out of all those bits and parts.

But it sounds like you've got the blues to go along with the psychic angst. I do have an observation for this stage in the process. When I was younger, I used to rage and wail against not knowing why I was put here. Now I recognize that the blues are the fallow period, when I ruminate and dwell. With nothing much to show for it in the "real" world.

But when I do figure out something I want to do, whatever that thing is, I'll be ready. Good and rested, and restive, and rejuvenated and ready. I won't come up with excuses that I'm too tired or too stressed or too busy. No, ma'am. I'll be set.

Happy Holidays, D, and may 2011 be your best year ever-- your launching year.


ChickenFreak said...

This may or may not be relevant to what you're saying here, but: I have increasingly come to the conclusion that doing what I love is probably never going to be my day job. I'm not sure if that's a "giving up" compromise, or if it's the start of finding a way to do some truly worthwhile (to me, anyway) things after 6pm and on the weekends. An end or a beginning, in other words. I'm going to shoot for it being a beginning.